A Life Redeemed by Catherine Chapman Lies…all lies…For my first 30 years that's all I believed, all I knew to be true. I believed that something was inherently wrong with, that deep down I would never be "normal". I believed that I was not good enough - not a good enough female, not a good enough human. I believed I was unworthy of love, protection, joy. I believed that men were selfish and abusive, and that women were manipulative and weak. I believed that friendship and sex went hand in hand. And I believed that God was a controlling, master manipulator playing games with my life. So what went wrong? Why was I so cynical? Let me tell you my story…

I grew up in a Christian home and invited Jesus into my life at four years old. Then at eight years old, an older female "friend" began sexually abusing me. The abuse continued for six years and in that time, confusion about my gender and sexuality set in. My belief systems shifted and trust went out the door. I couldn't figure out what it meant to be a girl, and I truly believed that being a boy would be much safer and more desirable. In relationships I felt that I was outside looking in on some curious world of girls that I didn't know how to fit into. And I wanted to fit desperately. I wanted to be "normal". But many times, if I got too close to a female friend, I would find myself sexually attracted to her so I'd back away and stay away, that way I'd feel safe.   During those same early years, I was sexually abused by two men in my life which further scewed my understanding of what it meant to be female. Life became scary and unpredictable and I sank further into hopelessness. I wondered where God was. Why wasn't He showing up? How come no one was paying attention to my life?   I ricocheted through my teen years desperate for love in any way I could find it. Being I was a Christian, I thought that if I just got married all my problems would be taken care of. I'd have someone to love me and I'd never struggle with sexual attractions to women. I would be "normal".   So I did marry and for about five years did everything possible to act normal but underneath, the lies I believed about myself were eating away at me like a tumor. My life hit critical mass when our marriage went into crisis. I finally sought the help of a counselor after I became deeply suicidal, and thus began a five year journey through my past in order to make sense of my present situation.   It was during this vulnerable time of therapy that I met a woman who seemed to fill a void in my heart. We became very close friends. But in our mutual unhealthiness, we were not helpful to each other at all. My feelings for her became sexualized, but instead of pushing them away as in the past, I allowed myself to dwell on the thoughts and feelings. I was so tired of fighting off these type of feelings that I finally gave myself over to them. I knew I needed help, but wasn't convinced anything could help this part of me.   During lunch with a close friend, my husband Chuck confided everything that was happening in our marriage. At this God-ordained meeting Chuck's friend told him that he was a leader at a christian ministry, The Portland Fellowship, that helps people find freedom from homosexuality. "And by the way" he said, "They are holding a conference this weekend." So we went to the conference. I cried - a lot. I heard over and over that there was hope - that I could be free. I heard the truth that God did not make me this way.   After the conference, I began the two-year Taking Back Ground series at Portland Fellowship. I learned so much in those two years - why I struggle with this issue, how to build healthy female relationships, how to break unhealthy thought processes, and much more. The most important thing I learned was that God is the only One who can fill my deep needs for intimacy. God created me for relationship with Him. In getting to know my heavenly Father, the way I see myself has changed.   Between Portland Fellowship and counseling, those were some of the hardest years of my life, but by far, the most beneficial. I grieved the many losses in my childhood, and evaluated every aspect of my belief system. I realized that almost everything I believed about myself was based out of lies caused by abuses and neglect in my early years. I asked the Lord to show me truth, to show me His intention for my life, and I was (and continue to be) blown away by the sheer beauty of His plan.   As I discarded the childhood beliefs and took on truth and beauty, I came into a sense of being okay with me, of being comfortable in my skin. I no long feel that I am outside the world of women, but know that I'm an integral part of the feminine community - that I'm good enough. I am worthy of great joy and passionate love because that is Christ's heart for me. And the greatest blessings of this process have been developing deep, healthy relationships with women, and a solid, passionate love for my husband. And what of my quest for "normal"? Well, I've given that up. I don't want normal anymore and the more I work with people, the more I don't believe there is such a thing as normal. Life is a ride, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, fast and unpredictable. But give me the ride any day. My heart is alive and I love my life - what could be better than that?