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In
1996 I was standing on my back porch looking over my 20-acre hobby
farm. I bought the farm with a friend, Joan, and her four children
in 1991. I had a dog, a cat, three chickens, a rooster, as many
as five horses at one time, and the cutest little pigmy goat you
could imagine called Gabby. My dream had come true. I had everything
I ever wanted. So why was I looking for someplace to tie the rope?
It had to be someplace the neighbors across the street could not
see me. I couldn’t do it in the house for fear that Joan or
the kids might find me. How horrible that would be! I had a wonderful
friend in Joan. Most people go their entire life without knowing
a friend like Joan. Yet my loneliness was consuming my every thought.
I had a hollow empty feeling I couldn’t shake. Alcohol, drugs
and sex were only a momentary release. Nothing would fill the huge
void I felt inside.
My family would never turn their back on me if I needed
them. They were just a phone call away – though I did not call,
I didn’t ask, I never learned to share my pain. Instead, I
learned to hide pain and anger. Growing up in a dysfunctional home
of alcohol addiction and co-dependency, we learned to hide feelings
and tuck them away and pretend everything was just fine. I even
hid my pain from myself. I was totally confused and perplexed as
to why I felt so useless and meaningless. Why can’t I follow
through with anything! The pain was so intense and I had no Idea
why. Even worse, I was tired of trying to figure out why.
The closest ambulance to my home in Merrill, MI was
at least twenty minutes away. I could call them and tell them there
is a body out in the barn. As soon as I call I would go out to the
barn. The rope would be set, all I would do is stack up the hay
and jump! Since my pain was starting to consume everyone around
me, I’d be doing them all a favor. I had it planned to the
very last minute. It was about 15 minutes before I was going to
make the phone call to the ambulance when God made it clear He had
a different plan. He sent Joan home early that day. In fact, in
the twenty years I’d known Joan, she had never come home early
from her annual trip up north. Since I had no intension of being
interrupted, I had planned this suicide an entire day before she
was to get home. God brought her home not two or three hours early
but an entire day. Wow... praise God! I did not tell Joan what she
had just kept me from doing. I got up from the kitchen chair and
walked out to the back yard. I looked up to the sky, raised my hands
in the air and cried, “Lord help me, ‘cause I am lost.”
Immediately I had a moment of clarity. Enough to realize my thinking
was all messed up. I walked back into the house and began to call
counseling centers until I found one that would get me in that week.
A difficult task the week before Christmas!
Mercifully, God has delivered me from so many bad habits
and addictions. Alcohol and crack cocaine controlled my life. I
had a void in my life and I tried to fill that void with everything
imaginable. Drugs didn’t work except as a temporary numbing
of the emotions. Sex became yet another addiction included in the
long list of attempts to fill the emptiness. I continued to look
to other people for my happiness, never understanding why that void
could not be filled. Looking back I can see so clearly all the ways
God was directing my path during this recovery process. In my twenty
years of using, one could say I had a Ph.D. in addictions and treatment.
I had been in six treatment programs and had four drunk driving
tickets. All my adult life I questioned my recklessness and destructive
behavior. At times I even felt invincible.
Through the direction of a truly wonderful staff at
Insight Recovery Center in Saginaw, MI, I got the answers to all
my baffling questions. Renee Wells, my therapist, earned my trust
with incredible patience and a truly caring nature that could be
seen and felt as I poured out my soul to her. I was learning so
much about myself and getting so many answers but I continued to
relapse. I would always go back to what was most comfortable for
me. Learning about my past was very painful and the need to relieve
the pain was more than I could battle. I had been in and out of
a treatment center during the two years Renee and I had been talking.
It was very clear that I needed a long-term program. I had no idea
why at the time, but I was insistent on the program being a Christian-based
program. T.E.E.N. Challenge was my first attempt. This was a year-long
commitment. I was there only four days when I walked away. My brother
lived only a short distance away so it was easy to walk to his house.
I made two more attempts with T.E.E.N. Challenge. They even sent
me to a location out of town the last time thinking it would be
more difficult for me to walk away.
While I wanted a Christian program, I didn’t think much of
their views on homosexuality. As a matter of fact I was pretty angry
about the beliefs these Christians held. A seed was planted, though,
and I received enough of God that I knew I wanted more. I wanted
to learn more! I prayed and prayed for a couple of weeks that the
Lord would reveal to me if my homosexuality was wrong, and if so,
why? Typical addict that I was, I gave Him a couple weeks to answer
my prayer and when I didn’t hear anything I decided to leave
T.E.E.N. Challenge. On the bus ride home I again began to pray that
the Lord would show me another way to learn about Him. I entered
a discipleship program offered at the City Of Saginaw Rescue Mission.
It was there that I was able to daily immerse myself in Scripture.
As a result, questions I had about my homosexuality since I was
17 years old began to be answered. I can’t put into words the
incredible sense of freedom I felt to finally have a clear understanding
of my misconceptions surrounding my homosexuality – love vs.
lust, attraction vs. desire, and lifestyle vs. perversion. This
is where Jesus was really introduced to me, and I owe my life to
those who supported that Rescue Mission.
I had stopped talking with my therapist when I entered
T.E.E.N. Challenge but after about six months in the program at
the Rescue Mission I asked if I could begin to talk with Renee again.
They asked me if Renee was a Christian. I said, “I don’t
now but she seems like a Christian.” As it turned out, she
was a Christian. I mention this only to show how God’s divine
direction was with me throughout this entire recovery process from
the day I called out to Him. I can see this so clearly now.
I relapsed yet again when I was close to graduating
the discipleship program. I was very upset, but thankfully these
Christians did not give up on me. I could not believe it! When I
admitted I had relapsed I expected disappointment; what I got was
love and praise for coming forth with the truth. I really wanted
to make this work but how could I relapse after all I had learned?
I was confused and ready to give up on myself. I prayed fervently
to the Lord about staying in the program. To stay was incredibly
humbling because I had to go back to the very beginning of the program
again. What the Lord revealed to me was not what I wanted to hear.
I had a secret that no one knew about me. Not even Joan, my best
friend of 20 years. God was calling me to the truth and to a level
of honesty I never would have reached had I not been studying His
word. I had a secret the enemy had me convinced I’d never be
able to talk about. God made it clear to me that I might never stay
sober if I chose not to expose this secret. I had to talk about
it. My secret involved compulsive masturbation and sexual issues
related to sexual addiction. The shame was so deep; I could barely
get the words out. As difficult as it was for me it was worth it
because exposing the secret set me FREE! I was full of shame, but
through this process of disclosure, God’s grace began to literally
pour out on me and I was truly SET FREE!
It is so obvious, as I look back now, how God prepared
me during those four years to embrace honesty and to grow in understanding
of him. In placing me on the solid rock of Jesus, God opened my
eyes and faithfully answered my prayers in his perfect timing. First
he sent me to Renee at Insight Recovery Center to show how the sexual
abuse at age six affected my entire personality and vitality and
how the dysfunction in my home affected my perception of women and
men. Then He sent me to the Empowerment Program at the Rescue Mission
in Saginaw where I was able to concentrate completely on God’s
word. In short, all my needs were provided for. Through two years
of lessons I began to work through areas of pride in my life while
learning what submission means and how to walk in humility. What
an incredible journey!
That day back on my farm when I was ready to take my
own life I cried out to Jesus. He held on to me and never let go.
As part of my journey to greater healing and restoration, I began
to look for groups in my area for people who struggle with same-sex
attractions. I was surprised to find none. Ultimately, I had to
go to Grand Rapids, MI which was three hours away to find an Exodus-affiliated
group. When I arrived and sat down, the leader of the group was
handing out information about the Upper Room leadership development
program offered by Portland Fellowship. Immediately I knew it was
God’s will for me.
This
program was a tremendous blessing for me and I to share with you
that God has opened the door for me to direct a ministry in Saginaw,
IL. Please come visit my website! www.inhisimagesaginaw.com
Thank you for reading my story!
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