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My mom was a religiously
dominant, compassionate mother who was in charge of the family.
Due to a divorce, my grandmother joined the family. She always gave
me coffee and chocolates, and loved to laugh. My oldest brother
was humble and had good manners. My second-born sister and
I loved to play with hairstyles and wear fashions. My third-born
brother, who is also deaf, loved sports and being “Mr. Cool”.
I’m the fourth-born, youngest son, who loved to climb trees
and play.
When we lived in New Jersey, my deaf brother and I went
to our first school, Summit Speech School from 1975 to 1977, where
we first learned how to speak and listen. After moving to
Kentucky, we went to the Louisville Deaf Oral School for speech
therapy from 1978 to 1981. We went to many hearing schools and did
sports activities together. Unlike my deaf brother, I hated all
kinds of sports that had a fast moving ball. It scared me.
So, the only sport in which I felt safe and enjoyed participating
in was swimming. In Summer 1985, while at the swimming pool,
I suddenly realized that I was feeling attracted to boys, not girls.
I didn’t understand why something was wrong with me.
So, I told myself, that I would have a hard life in the future.
In August 1986, we had to move to St. Louis, Missouri,
for me and my deaf brother to attend school at the St. Joseph Institute
for the Deaf. This school also provided the speech therapy and lip-reading,
which we call oralism. I didn’t want to move, because
I loved Kentucky, so I got angry at my father for the change.
Already distant from him, I vowed never to be like him. I
became very close and comfortable with my grandmother, mother and
sister and the other girls, because I didn’t have any real
male role model. During my four years at the Institute, I
hung around with girls all the time and began to develop my love
for drama. At home, I would usually watch TV for hours, design
art and do landscaping. I was unexpectedly exposed to some
x-rated videotapes and pornography, which stirred up more gay feelings.
When my deaf brother and I got into a fight, he called me a fag
and a sissy. All these events confused and hurt me, leaving
my mind continually bombarded with negative thoughts, “What
is wrong with me? Why can’t I like girls?”
With my inner dialogue, I began to abuse myself mentally.
In 1990, I entered into a mainstream high school thinking
I would do fine in the hearing environment with my oralism training.
It was a terrible year because there were so many communication
breakdowns and misunderstandings. I wanted to feel accepted,
be recognized and have friendships with boys, but I was left out,
rejected, and isolated from both hearing girls and guys. I
was experiencing significant “Deafphobia” and I got tired
of the superficial friendships. I tried to get involved in
the hearing drama department, but to no avail. Quickly, I
went into severe depression; I thought about killing myself. I hated
myself for being deaf in this hearing world. I got so fed
up that I demanded a change in my life.
Finally, in the summer of 1991, I went to Gallaudet
University in Washington, D.C. for a Deaf drama program, “Young
Scholarship Program.” I found many deaf friends, learned Deaf
Culture, and felt genuinely included. Immediately, I quit
my hearing school and moved to the District of Columbia to attend
the Model Secondary School for the Deaf that fall. I learned
American Sign Language (ASL) which is a vital language for Deaf
Culture and participated in many professional drama opportunities.
One of my dreams came true when I finally found a best
guy friend at school. We trusted each other and did everything
together. We felt safe to talk about our feelings and it later
turned into a secret gay relationship. I did feel a little
guilty about this relationship, but it was the answer to my feelings.
In the past, I had a few girlfriends, but it was never serious.
It felt great to “come out of the closet” and be accepted.
I could be myself! I gained a completely new self-esteem and
perspective in my gay and deaf identity.
When I visited St. Louis for my 1992 Christmas break,
my father blurted out to me, “Get a girlfriend!”
My parents had found out about my gay relationship and that I was
busted for underage drinking at a gay bar in D.C. They tried
to take me out of school, but I argued that they couldn’t take
away my Deaf culture, community, friends, and my drama opportunities.
I terrorized my parents in order to stay at the school. I feared
losing my self-esteem and suffering again in a hearing school. In
January 1994, my parents forced me to go to ”ex-gay therapy”
and church. While at church with two lesbian friends, feeling
bored, I decided to flip through the Bible. I was stunned
to find that 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 said that homosexuality was wrong.
I justified that being gay was okay with God. I never wanted
to change and kept lying to my parents that I was getting “better”
so that they would leave me alone. After graduating from the
Model Secondary School for the Deaf in June 1994, my boyfriend and
I broke up for good because our gay relationship had become physical,
verbal, and emotionally abusive.
I entered Gallaudet University for my freshman year
in the fall of 1994. A girl I knew there had killed herself.
This really shook me up and made me wonder what will happen to me
after I die. I began zigzagging back and forth from homosexuality
to God in a confused state. Feeling lonely in October 1994, I snuck
off to a popular gay bar. While dancing drunk, I became uneasy
as I felt God was watching me. I couldn’t ignore or hide
from Him. I thought to myself, “What am I doing?”
and was confused about homosexuality and God. So, in December
1994, I left Gallaudet without motivation for education. Back
in St. Louis, I got two jobs to save money to move to Hollywood
for my acting career.
In the summer of 1996, I was accepted to the professional
summer drama school at the National Theatre of the Deaf. It was
a wonderful learning experience. But, I was trying to ignore my
gay desires and I didn’t feel that I was a changed person.
While I was confused and vulnerable, I met a gay actor and model
from Hollywood. We started a relationship because I thought
he was “Mr. Right.” He and I planned for me to move
with him to California so I could pursue my dream in acting.
My life changed on September 21, 1996, while attending
a Deaf Christian retreat in Oklahoma. I saw an ASL drama about
Jesus by “The Master’s Hands” of Deaf Ministries
Worldwide. God touched my heart deeply and I cried and asked
Him to forgive me. My confusion about homosexuality and God
suddenly became clear - I received a great sense of peace.
So instead of moving to Hollywood in August 1997, God
led me to a non-denominational Evangelism Training Center, a Deaf
Bible School, at Deaf Ministries Worldwide in Oklahoma. By
October 1998, I was thrilled to join their “Master’s Hands”
Deaf Christian traveling drama group. During this time, I didn’t
share much about my freedom from homosexuality until July, 1999
when I went to the Exodus International Conference for the in Chicago,
Illinois. I was shocked to see over 1,000 hearing people there,
many whom have left the gay and lesbian life for Jesus. I
discovered about the root causes of homosexuality. I met many
new friends and we talked about sexual issues openly. I was
sad to realize that many Deaf people do not know about Exodus resources.
I graduated from the Deaf Bible School, in May 2000,
with a Deaf Culture Ministry Certificate. Then I was hired
to work at Deaf Ministries Worldwide as an evangelist, public relations
representative, assistant office manager, and an actor performing
with “The Master’s Hands.” I also attended
the Exodus-affiliated First Stone Ministries for support group sessions
and mentoring by Stephen Black for nearly three years. It
was a great experience working in these ministries. In May
2003, I left Deaf Ministries Worldwide and First Stone Ministries
because God wanted me to get more training.
Finally, God paved the way for me to come to Portland
Fellowship. I am the first deaf person to go through this
internship program. I am at peace as a single man doing God’s
will. God wants me to share my life with Deaf people and present
a clear understanding of the great message that freedom from homosexuality
comes only through Jesus Christ. I am available to share about
this freedom without forcing or condemning gay people to change.
Right now, God is working in my life daily by healing
my root issues: my tendencies, attractions, feelings and emotions.
It is not a life of “going back into the closet” or “suppressing
homosexual desire,” but a life of joy and true freedom.
Philippians 4:13 says, “Christ gives me the strength to face
anything.” Before I was confused about Jesus
and homosexuality, but now I am Confused No More!
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