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Fighting for Righteousness
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| Kill
your television. That saying kept echoing through my mind as I sat,
in disbelief, watching it happen once again. Show after show, not-so
hidden messages would try to convince me to let my guard down and
give in. I almost did. What I was witnessing on TV was yet another joyful person, who had overcome homosexuality by surrendering to the Lord, being browbeaten on a talk show over national television. I saw one pastor after another, contrary to the Word they were supposed to be teaching and obeying, defend and promote this “alternative lifestyle” as something innocent and “normal.” Countless other shows blare, “it’s OK to be gay” and “not that there’s anything wrong with that” until the actors were blue-in-the-face. The nerve! After restraining myself from throwing things at the old Zenith, I’d shut it off, run upstairs, and collapse on my bed, crying out to God, “Why am I like this? Will I ever change? Will I ever have peace? I need You, Lord. Deliver me!” Even when I was little, I was never the type to roll around in the mud or play with GI Joes. I was an articulate little boy that often spoke too much for my own good. This didn’t make me very popular, even at preschool age, with other boys. Of course, the girls, deathly afraid of catching ‘boy cooties,’ didn’t give me a second look. By the time I hit puberty, or rather it hit me (like a freight train), things changed. My upright, articulate image still didn’t win too many points, image-wise, with the guys. I became “a brother” to all the girls I knew, so I remained unnoticed, as a guy, by them. I felt rejected. Suddenly, I found myself being physically attracted to some of the guys at school. By then, I knew what being “gay” meant, and that it was a sin. I didn’t like what went on inside me, but would lust, anyway. As I progressed through the war-zone that is middle school, I found myself diving into fantasies every night. The more I’d experience these lusts, the more they would tear me apart. God was not pleased with what I was doing, and I knew that. I’d cry out to the Lord to relieve me of these desires, to purge whatever demons were inside of me, and to forgive me of my sins. At school, I would hide my feelings for guys, even though my peers would constantly jeer me about how they thought I was gay. After all, I tucked my shirt in, didn’t cuss, had many female friends, and wasn’t interested in sports. Everybody knows this automatically makes you gay, right? This “image” didn’t help matters. The summer before my freshman year, I discovered gay Internet pornography. The first time I gave into it, I ran upstairs and burst into tears asking God to forgive me. I knew I lost a big part of my innocence. I’d find myself spending hours looking at that horrible stuff when my family was asleep. All the while, I heard a voice in my head telling me that this was wrong. That summer, I also began reading my Bible daily. I wanted to know God, get closer to Him, and love Him more. One night, the lustful thoughts crept in full-force, and I started to pray. But, the more I prayed for God to deliver me, the more intense these thoughts became. They’d tell me that I wasn’t saved, that I belonged to Satan, and I should just give up and kill myself. Frenzied, I prayed harder than ever. Then, every muscle in my body tensed to the point where I couldn’t move. My fists were clenched, my jaw was locked, and my back was rigid. It was like my flesh was physically at war with God. The thoughts intensified further toward suicide. I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally, I asked God, “Just get me through the night.” The next thing I knew, it was morning again, and I went on with my day. The battle raged on until one day, I told myself that I shouldn’t have to resist the temptations. Confused, I arrived at school the next morning and made a beeline to the counselor. I told her about how my struggle and my faith in God were colliding. I wanted to know how I could deal with these desires. She totally misunderstood, and said that even though I didn’t want to abandon the Lord, or really ever have sex with a guy, someday I would “meet a guy, fall in love,” and my convictions would change. She called it “coming out.” As appalling as that sounds, I considered her message. I left her office more confused than ever. It all eventually dug at me to the point where I spoke with her again, and told her I wasn’t going to accept her advice. I told her that God was more important to me than my lusts. She frowned, not understanding that the whole point of seeing her wasn’t to get advice on how I could feel better about my “feelings” but, rather, how I could deal with them and not sin against the Lord. The Holy Spirit convicted me, I realized that I didn’t want to be gay. I couldn’t just forsake my salvation, my God and His unconditional love just so I could “feel good” for a moment. The stesses of life lead me more easily into lust and masturbation than ever. When I had free time, I’d go to a library or bookstore, looking through books and magazines promoting and explaining homosexual acts. A part of me was repulsed by it all, as it seemed nothing more than a pursuing of the “next warm body.” But, my desires were feeding off of it. I wanted so much to be pure in God’s eyes, but I felt overwhelmed by these desires. I was so exhausted and miserable. The breaking point came one morning at high school. Five minutes into choir class, I had to sit down because I had intense physical pain. The paramedics came to work on me, as I was experiencing all five symptoms of a heart attack. Nothing turned out to be physically wrong, but I went to my doctor and told him about my struggle, and he related my struggle to my stress level. To a psychiatrist, I went. After three full sessions of telling him about my struggle with homosexuality, I cringed at my psychiatrist’s response. He said, “Even though it may conflict with your religion, I think you should be a bit more open-minded about this struggle.” Excuse me? This guy was telling me to forsake my beliefs so I could act out my lusts? No way! I left, frustrated. I finally told my Dad about my struggle (he wasn’t surprised), and about how upset I was with my psychiatrist’s advice. He was glad to see I was fighting to please God. But, I still had a hole in my heart. At times, I would pray for Jesus to sit next to me and just wrap His arms around me, since no one else ever would. I was just dying for the Lord to give me a solid, close friend. He did. I met this really neat Christian guy, and we hit it off. We told each other, almost instantly, about our struggles, and prayed together every night. We even agreed to stand together for God against struggles like masturbation and pornography. Then, the enemy attacked again. I was now attracted to my friend. But, the Lord began to change me. Nervously, I told my friend about my attraction to him, and how I was fighting it. I was overjoyed to see that he wasn’t upset, but instead, encouraged me to keep fighting. It’s been a couple of months since that happened, and things have changed. Now, I see my youth pastor instead of that psychiatrist. I haven’t given in to pornography, fantasies or masturbation for months, although they are so tough to resist sometimes. A few weeks ago, a friend told me about The Portland Fellowship. After a few visits, I felt new strength, peace, and utter joy in being reminded that the Lord loves me, even when I fail, that this struggle will be overcome, and that someday, I will be able to rest in the Lord. My anxious, lustful heart is still a big work in progress, but the Lord is faithful. How awesome He is! This struggle inside me is a “civil war.” My flesh is on one side, using all five senses, the media, and society against me so that I’ll give in. But, God is on the other side, telling me that His strength is enough, His blessings make it worthwhile to resist, and He loves me. I get so frustrated when people say that homosexuals have no choice but to live “that way.” It’s such a lie. Everyone has a choice of whom they will serve: themselves, or the Savior. The Lord can change us. “If it feels good, do it” is the message we are taught to accept today. How selfish and short-sighted it is! Why forfeit an eternity in heaven with God just to “feel good” for a minute? Unlike our own wills, God’s will is perfect, and it’s the only reason we don’t suffer eternally for the evils we commit. He has saved us, and gives us the strength to resist the enemy. He will supply every need when He knows we need it. No matter what the world may say, the Lord is more powerful than any of our circumstances, and He’ll take care of us. I just hope my TV can hold up to the things I may have to throw at it, as I continue my battle. No big loss if it doesn’t. |