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The Road to Freedom by Willis WardThe movie, MATRIX, has a scene where Neo is offered the choice of taking the blue pill or the red pill. The blue pill returns Neo to a state of slavery and invisible bondage. The red pill brings Neo into frightening reality. Morpheus says, “You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and … I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes…” |
| Facing
the sexual sin and frustration in my life was similar to Neo taking
the red pill. Homosexual lust, shame, and fear were a wall around
my heart. God broke through this matrix to establish His will –to
complete His desire for my life. Psalm 37: 6 says, “He shall
bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the
noonday”. God is walking me through the process of change. My
story describes my personal struggle and how God has brought healing
to bear in my life. I asked Jesus Christ into my heart at the age of four. I didn’t want to go to hell. I knew I was a sinner and needed His blood to cover my sins. I believed John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes on Him should not perish but have everlasting life”. This relationship was real. I grew up going to Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, prayer meetings, and Bible camps. My mom loved the Lord and did all she could to pour God’s Word into me. She demonstrated a reverent fear of God through her humble, simple way of life. I can’t thank her enough for bringing me to Jesus. My father died in an airplane crash when I was two years old. I have only dim snapshot memories of him. My mom never re-married and raised seven children on her own. We lived on three acres in an old farm house near Port Townsend, Washington. I was the youngest. I was a shy, sensitive guy and was labeled “Faggot” and “Gay-Bob” by my peers in junior high school. During football practice I was injured in my testicles and had to miss a few days of school. When I came back a new nickname, “Ruptured!”, was added. I quit football and withdrew from my peers. I made a vow not to trust guys. The more I withdrew, the more I seemed to invite teasing and rejection. When I was thirteen, a college friend of one of my older siblings spent the summer at my home. He brought hard core pornography magazines in one of his suitcases. I secretly snuck some of these magazines and exposed my mind to their toxic contents. Soon I began a habit of masturbating. Along with the sexual sin came shame. I was alone with this struggle. I was a good church boy and got most of my attention by being “good”. I felt very self-conscious in Physical Education. Other guys seemed to be developing into adult men before me. I compared myself to them and grew envious. I felt I was some kind of mistake walking around. I was locked in a hopeless cycle of self-doubt and compulsive masturbation. I was too ashamed and fearful to seek help. I experimented with homosexual activity in the 9th grade. This destroyed a friendship and left me feeling even more frustrated and alone. Were the teasing mocking guys at school right? Was I a homosexual? I acted out sexually with men again the summer after my senior year in high school. Full of panic I ran away from home and drove to Sacramento, California. I ended up at the office of the Bible School I was registered to attend. I planned to tell them what I had done and get help. A window of hope opened up as my pastor and others reached out to me with the love of Christ. Sadly, I held onto my secrets. I gave only a partial confession of my struggle. Self preservation took precedence over honest disclosure. I acted out sexually toward another guy while in Bible school. I was horrified by my out-of-control behavior and hypocrisy. I asked forgiveness from my friend and went forward in church to rededicate my life to Christ. However, I didn’t reveal my homosexual struggle. I told myself I could manage it, so it was to be just between the Lord and me. On May 16, 1986 I married Felicia. We were planning to go into the ministry together. I didn’t tell Felicia about my sexual falls or my struggles. God began to take us through a process. We both felt betrayed and victimized for the next three years. Selfishness and self-righteousness were deeply rooted in my heart and had to be ripped away. God used my marriage to humble me. Eventually I responded to the Lord in partial obedience and our relationship began to grow. We drew close. I began to enjoy this woman who had once seemed to be my enemy. We started going to a church that worshipped God freely and felt our relationships with God surge. I convinced myself I was doing well because twelve years had elapsed since my last homosexual “acting out.” I decided to finish my bachelor’s degree at the University of Washington in 1997. I bought an “internet ready” computer to access the libraries, professors, and fellow students. The internet proved to be a powerful tool and a powerful link to my sexual insecurities. Like a dog returning to his vomit, soon I was looking at homosexual porn and masturbating. Dear God! What am I doing?! My Deliverance The Process
Continues... |